I want to be in love

i want to be in love.

whether or not the unseen subject of my affections reciprocates said feelings is yet to be seen.

feeling loved is undeniably the purest form of freedom allowed to us on this confusing, apathetic, and troublesome world. but being in love, i want that feeling again. that heady and constant intoxication, the ever-present pressure on your heart and the weight that grows in your stomach whenever you can't catch their eye.

i want those pitch black lonely nights that cause me to toss and turn and weep into the pillow, trying to suffocate the need i feel.

i want to walk around all day with the thought of his breath in my ear. i want my cheeks to burn and stain red whenever i get too close to him, i want to embarrass myself by being unable to think straight or formulate words whenever he tries to talk to me.

i want to listen to songs that remind me of him and listen to those songs so i can be reminded of him.

i want to have conversations in my head and say all the things i so desperately want to speak aloud but know i never will.

i want to memorize his scars, the texture of his hands, the smell of his cologne, his favorite shirt.

i want my heart to race in the most erratic way from the slightest of touches.

i want to feel so desperately and unconditionally, head-over-heels in love with somebody that my whole body tenses and i have to suppress a smile whenever they enter the room i'm in.

i want every fiber of my being to be devoted to the loving of a single special person.

and if the feelings aren't mutual, i want to look in the mirror and snarl with disgust and contempt. i want my stomach to twist in knots with the thought of never being good enough for the person i care for the most. i want to wake up with the shadow of a beautiful dream fading from my reach, a dry mouth, and mascara stains on my pillow.

i want to feel again, raw and untamed.